Despite the fact that I was born with a chronic illness, unless I was actually ill with some sort of virus I’ve never had to take daily medications in the morning to start my day. But now that I’ve begun getting help for my anxiety, taking medication is a necessary part of my morning routine. I need my medication to successfully move through my day.

But I’m human and sometimes I forget to swallow that little pill in the morning. When that happens, this is what it feels like: (I’d like to note that while I’ve forgotten to take my medication in the morning, I have yet to skip a full day, and I don’t want that to happen.)

It’s 2 p.m. and my head is a swimming cesspool of thoughts. My body feels like Jell-O. My fingertips numbly push the buttons on my phone. I don’t feel as if I am attached to my body; my head and fingers seem miles apart. I am an obsessive person in relation to my anxiety. I need to check things, ask the same questions multiple times until I feel satisfied with the answer, that kind of thing. As you can imagine, I am not the most fun or easiest person to live with when my anxiety overcomes me, and for me it is all-consuming. I wonder why I am feeling this way and think back to my morning. Uh-oh. I think I forgot to take my Lexapro.

I don’t know why it has been such a huge help to me. During the entire time I have struggled with my anxiety I never have felt depressed. (Lexapro is an antidepressant.) But, for some reason, it is the difference between me drowning under the weight of my thoughts or learning how to swim up the current. Lexapro is the difference between a raging storm in my body and a calm sea in my mind. I would take the sea any day.

Luckily, if I forget, I can take my Lexapro any time. So, after asking around to see if anyone else remembered me taking it that morning, I marched into my room to take that little white pill. I can feel the fidgeting in my body that’s distracted me all day want to leave my body. I can feel my negative, fearful thoughts, which are unlike anything I would normally think, want to run from my brain. Of course, it doesn’t actually feel like this the minute I swallow the pill.

But that is what it feels like now that I’ve been on medication for a while. If you experience anxiety I think you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. I feel satisfied that I haven’t missed a full day dose since I started. I vow to myself that I won’t miss it tomorrow, and I don’t.

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