The Kernel of Love: It’s Not What I Thought

In our society, we have many stipulations about the “right” conditions to love one another. So much of popular culture rhetoric revolves around the ego. Will he say it back? Should I wait for him to say it first? What if he doesn’t love me, too?

On and on spins this one-dimensional, fear-based extension of love.

On the flip side, however, we extend few conditions to spewing criticism and hatred, and cruelly diminishing people without a second thought. Why?

I’ve prodded this strange love-hate prescription under the microscope time and time again, always leaving with a profound ache for the kind of love that discards equations, timelines, rules, and fear. I’ve dreamed of a love that divorces appearances, ability level, health status, accomplishment, or pretense with a feverish urgency. I’ve imbued wishes, meditations, prayers, visions, and blog posts with the intention of finding a love that knows the secret: To give it is to let it in.

While my instinct and reliance upon patterns from my past lead me to search for answers with my intellect, I know this just won’t do. No matter how many books I may read about the prescriptions for finding and creating the kind of love I am searching for, the answers will not be here.

My mind has recently let me in on a big secret: Knowingness does not emanate from the brain alone.

I rely on my intellect to navigate this world, searching for medical solutions and advocating for educational rights. My intuitive capabilities and faith in being led by anything other than my mind and determination have dwindled to mere shreds.

The tempestuous experiences of my life have suffocated my belief in other internal compasses. I’ve become disconnected to the threads of magic that once spun effortlessly into a tapestry of togetherness. Awareness of this disconnect has heightened in recent months, and yet my mind tries to compensate with pragmatic solutions.

Love is different, I now know. Hypothesizing and strategizing in order to adhere to a formulaic equation resulting in connection and love somehow diminish the uniqueness of its power. To be one step ahead would be to darken the afterglow of its internal light.

I may not know the path to love, but I guess that is the point I’m intending to make: Perhaps not having a clear trajectory of the future, of embracing the nebulous human condition of connection, is the kernel of seed to plant and nourish. Maybe love is not something to find, but to be.

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